Alright, so I went ahead and uploaded the worksheet and the data (in an Excel file) required to run it. I certainly wouldn't be opposed to modifications of the code to speed evaluation, but I don't know if there is much that can be done, as the function is fairly complicated.
I wasn't expecting an optimum after 10 evaluations; I just wanted to see if the the optimization routine would even work. As I alluded earlier, I had tried computing numerical derivatives in order to use the sqp method, but computation time was becoming ridiculous. If there were a way to reduce this computation time, I would much prefer this method, as I'd like to put bounds on my variables.
I admittedly don't know how the nonlinearsimplex method works, but I didn't know that it would fail out if I had too low an evaluation limit. I bumped up the evaluation limit to 30, just to see the effect: 4500 seconds later, a "better" point was determined after 30 evaluations. I don't know what's going on under the hood, but this is a great deal more computation time than simply evaluating the procedure 30 times (~900s).
As for parallelization, I have never attempted such a thing in Maple, so I don't know how it can be done.
Again, I appreciate your help.